Tails of A Rat
For thousands of years my kin have roamed the world travelling to the four corners of the globe as willing participants in great adventures. We are one of the great seafaring species always keen for an adventure and the possibilities which might ensue when we board ships.
Personally, I came from a famous line of Rattus Rattus (not be confused with lowly Rattus Norwegicus) with a fine black coat, a long tail and very inquisitive eyes and nose. Raised in the La Maddalena Islands off Sardinia my forebears helped a local lad Christopher Columbus discover the New World, we tried to lift Garibaldi’s spirits in exile on a neighboring island after unifying Italy by nesting in his underpants. We also travelled with a young Napoleon as he set out from Corsica as a nine-year-old to conquer the world. Many years later we were able to return with him to Elba for a short interlude. A distant branch of the family later travelled with him to St Helena, sadly never to leave.
My family also travelled extensively with Lord Nelson as he roamed the Mediterranean finding the world’s best harbours in Malta, La Maddalena, Corsica, Elba while taking time out to win a few sea battles. He was particularly taken with the many Genoese towers along the coastline of Corsica which led to another branch of my family helping establish the Martello towers on the south coast of England.
For a short period, we had to put up with an American submarine base in La Maddalena, but we quickly established travel underwater in nuclear submarines was not our thing. The smell of uranium on our breath was not something to be tolerated by a family who helped Ulysses slay Medusa.
However, I digress. Recently while sunning myself (along with many other local Italians) on an island off the Costa Smeralda coast I spied a fine catamaran moored in my bay. After a brief family conference, I was elected to swim out to this vessel to investigate the status of their Costituto Di Arrivo. As a strong swimmer I waited until after dark and set out swiftly boarding via the swim ladder on the stern. My strenuous exertions led me to leave small deposits on the deck while I foraged for food scraps. To my great delight I found a great delicacy, a Systema container of salad dressing which I was able to gnaw before retiring. Obviously, I had boarded a New Zealand ship and fell asleep dreaming of voyages to the South Pacific.
Next morning, I was awoken to cries from the crew that there was a rat on board but was relieved when they decided that I must have been a kiwi rat, eating, sh…ing and leaving. Comfortable in my new home I settled down to a peaceful day’s sleep.
The following evening while the crew went ashore for dinner I made a thorough inspection of the boat and established it was indeed a fine vessel worthy of my assistance. However, food seemed to be lacking so I made do with the bottoms of some curtains and took time out to accumulate and peruse various onboard documents in the security of my bed.
After an uneventful day aboard while the ship travelled to La Maddalena township and a marina berth I continued my dreams of travel to the South Pacific and the opportunities to meet beautiful islanders in my travels. The crew returned to rudely wake me from my slumbers so after waiting until they were safely asleep I emerged to get my revenge. Some brisk gnawing on the chart table saw me swiftly gnaw through 2 USB cables and with some delicate tooth work I was able to get the VHF radio to come to life with static and noise. Delighted I retired to bed while the stupid crew attempted to turn off the VHF – an impossible task. It was with great mirth that I heard the Chief Engineer berating the crew for being clumsy for cutting the USB cables with the chart table lid and the Captain for being careless in her use of the VHF – such mischief!
After a peaceful daytime slumber, I emerged from my lair in search of food (curtains are not so tasty) and discovered a delicious roast potato on the cockpit floor. In my haste and hunger I failed to realise a crew member was still awake and spied my nocturnal gnawings. After a brief standoff I hid out of sight in the darkness while the crew retired to bed closing the saloon doors behind them. Locked out I roamed the decks in search of access and after contemplating base jumping through the deck hatches discovered the stupid Chief Engineer had left the forward saloon hatches open enough for me to squeeze through. Annoyed at the attempted lockout I made some deposits on the bookshelves and returned to the Nav Station where I swiftly gnawed through two new USB cables. However, being a kind hearted rat I left the repaired VHF alone as they have become irreplaceable due to their age, I was after all a crew member.
The next morning, I was awoken by a crew on a rat hunt and considered my number might be up. Swiftly reading Simon’s Maddalena Islands tour itinerary I considered my options for abandoning ship. The stupid crew searched all over the boat with no success (we rats are so clever) when suddenly there I was caught in the beam of a torch like a possum in the headlights. My bed had been discovered beneath the curtains (or at least their remains) behind the saloon sliding doors.
Realising I was in trouble I prepared to gap it for the big world but was too slow. The Chief Engineer dislodged me with a stick and in my rush to escape ended up in a bucket manned by the First Mate. Leaping out I made for the forward saloon hatches only to discover they were now closed – swiftly turning I attempted to escape via the main doors only to be captured by the First Mate. Wrapped in some cloths and voicing my displeasure the First Mate threw me over the side, very roughly. In a flash I was in the water and as a powerful swimmer had two options – one swim to land or two swims back to the ship. As land was a National Park (they don’t like rats) the lure of the South Pacific was too much so I struck out strongly for the ship. Surely my new shipmates would have realised the error of their ways and welcome back their newest crew member as the official Ships Rat.
However, I had missed a vital purchase made recently by the Captain while visiting a chandlery in La Maddalena – a new boathook named “Rat Slayer”. Cruelly I was struck down by the Chief Engineer. Once, twice and it was over and here I am consigned to forever cruise the oceans with Davy Jones on the Flying Dutchman. Dreams of the South Pacific remain just dreams.
CHC
